When I Surrender Read online

  Helpful deed done for the day, I dropped Amanda off at home and texted Knox as I sat on the bus alone. Being around someone even more alone and lonely than myself all day had inspired a visit. I missed him.

  Chapter Nine

  McKenna

  When I arrived at Knox’s place, Tucker had already gone to bed, but Knox, Jaxon, and Luke all sat together in the living room. While they were normally so good-natured, tonight the mood felt tense. I toed off my shoes at the welcome mat and ventured in to see what they were discussing.

  Luke sat on the sofa with his head hanging in his hands. Jaxon and Knox were perched in the arm chairs facing him, all of their expressions sour.

  “Do you want to talk about it or are you going to keep moping around like someone kicked you in the balls?” Jaxon asked, looking squarely at Luke.

  “Cool it, Jax,” Knox warned. “Luke? You wanna talk?”

  Luke peered up, his eyes wandering over to mine and then back to his brothers. I sat down next to him. “Everything okay?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “Just girl problems,” he said, releasing a heavy sigh. “Mollie broke up with me.”

  I hadn’t known that he had a girlfriend, but perhaps this was the reason he’d once asked me about how to make a girl’s first time special. I still got a happy little feeling remembering how he’d opened up to me. “I’m sorry.” I squeezed his hand.

  “If Knox has taught us anything, it’s that there are plenty of girls to go around. There’s no sense getting your panties in a twist over this one. So pull your tampon out and man up,” Jaxon said, rising from the chair. “And on that note, I’m going to bed. You guys are depressing.”

  Knox frowned, watching Jaxon retreat up the stairs. “Ignore him, Luke. Jax is an asshole.”

  Luke’s twisted expression relaxed slightly. “How do you know when you’re in love?” he asked Knox.

  This should be interesting. I waited, breathless, to hear his answer.

  Knox’s brows drew together. “You just do.” He hesitated for a few seconds, running his hand over the back of his neck, looking deep in thought, like he was trying to put into words whatever was churning inside his head. “I guess you know when you want to spend time with the girl, protect her, and take care of her.”

  My heart melted at hearing his description of love. We might not be there yet, but I hoped we were on our way.

  “Like you are with McKenna?” Luke asked.

  Knox’s dark eyes met mine, and all the oxygen was ripped from my lungs. He didn’t say anything else, he just watched me for several long moments while my heart pounded steadily. The warmth of hot adrenaline pushed through my veins. He was looking at me like he wanted to do unspeakable things to me and I was staring back at him, challenging him to take whatever he wanted. He already had my heart.

  “Knox?” I asked, breaking the heavy silence. “Will you give us a minute?” I tipped my head toward Luke. I wanted to talk to him alone and I might spontaneously combust if Knox kept looking at me like that, all dark and hungry.

  “Sure.” Knox rose from the arm chair. “I’ll just go check on Tuck.”

  Luke released a heavy sigh full of sorrow. I scooted closer to him on the couch. “You okay, bud?”

  “Yeah.” He flashed me a weak smile. “This love shit sucks, though.”

  “What happened with Mollie?”

  He shrugged. “She acted like she was into me, we went on a couple dates, and then I heard at school today she was seeing this other guy the entire time.”

  “Then she wasn’t worth your time. You’re an amazing guy, Luke, thoughtful, smart, funny, and handsome. High school can be brutal, but you’ll be at college soon and trust me, you’ll be beating the girls off with a stick.” I grinned wickedly at him.

  He laughed. “Yeah, right. If I can even afford college. Every time I bring it up, Knox changes the subject. I’ve been applying to every scholarship I can find, but they’re really competitive and so far, I haven’t been offered a single one. I’m screwed without some financial help, no matter how good my grades are. My high school offers a scholarship to the valedictorian, which I have a good shot at – but it’s a thousand bucks. What will that get me? Books for one semester?” He shook his head in defeat.

  It crushed me to know that his future hung in the balance like that. “I wish there was something I could do to help,” I pondered out loud.

  “Just having you around helps. There’s way too much testosterone in this house.”

  I couldn’t argue with that. “Well, I plan on being around for a while. Someone’s got to keep Knox in line.”

  Descending down the stairs, Knox glanced our way. “Did I hear my name?”

  “Nope,” Luke and I said at the same time, sharing a secretive smile.

  “Well, I guess I’m gonna go up, too, “Luke said. “Night, guys, and thanks, McKenna.”

  “Night, Lukey!” I gave him a kiss on his cheek and watched him wander up the stairs before turning to face Knox. “How was Tucker?”

  “Sound asleep.” He sat down next to me. “Is Luke alright?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. I just think there’s a lot on his mind. Girls, how to pay for college….”

  Knox blew out a frustrated breath. “Fuck. Tell me about it. It’s been keeping me up at night.”

  I hadn’t meant to add to his stress load, only to tell him how my conversation with Luke went. Knox hung his head in his hands and I moved closer so I could rub his shoulders. “Don’t worry. It’ll all work out somehow.”

  His head lifted until his intense gaze met mine. My fingers paused on his shoulders. “That’s just it. Nothing just works out around here unless I figure it out. And I’ve been trying for the last year to figure out how in the hell I’m going to help Luke pay for college and so far I’ve come up with jack shit nothing, so unless you have an extra fifty grand laying around, it won’t just magically work out.” I could see the defeat written all over his features. He felt like a failure. He had three little lives depending on him and he wanted the best he could provide. “I’m sorry.” His tone softened. “I don’t mean to take it out on you.” Considering that his usual way of taking out stress was by sleeping with random women, I would take sarcasm any day.

  “It’s okay. I know you’re under a lot of pressure. I’m here to help however you need me.” I couldn’t imagine being in his position. I only had to budget for myself and even that was tricky in an expensive city like Chicago.

  “Thanks, Kenna.” He sat back against the sofa, pulling me closer. “It’s good to see you feeling better. What’d you do today?”

  “I took Amanda to the doctor for a prenatal appointment. She’s having a girl. They said the baby is healthy and progressing nicely.”

  “That’s good,” he said, grabbing the TV remote.

  “Why didn’t you tell me the truth about Amanda?”

  He glanced up at me, remorse flashing in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I should have. I just didn’t want to give you something to worry about when I knew I had it under control.”

  “She propositioned you?”

  He nodded. “There was no temptation there. None. I told you, I’m handling it. And I’ve got someone better I’m waiting for.” He laced our fingers together, his palm resting against mine, warm and solid.

  “Should we go upstairs?” I whispered, suddenly feeling bold and wanting some privacy with him.

  “I thought we’d hang out down here, maybe watch a movie or something.”

  “Oh, okay.” I tried to hide the disappointment in my voice, but failed.

  Knox flipped through the selection of available movies for rent and let me pick a romantic comedy I’d been waiting to see for several months. I curled against his side and he held me while we watched the sugary-sweet interactions playing out on the screen. They seemed so far from real life. At least far-removed from my life and Knox’s. In my experiences, real life and love were incredibly messy affairs. That was what I knew. Maybe that was why I was
so comfortable with Knox. He’d been through hell and back, too, and we recognized those deep scars in each other.

  Throughout the entire movie Knox kept things purely platonic. His arms were wrapped around me, strong and sure, but the few times I’d tried to let my hands wander to touch him, his stomach, his thigh…he would tighten his grip around me, holding me in place and effectively preventing me from touching him. It was incredibly frustrating and only left me worked up and buzzing unfulfilled energy inside me.

  For two hours I lay there in his arms, his chest rising and falling steadily against my back, his breath warming the back of my neck. Various scenarios played out in my head. I imagined rolling towards him, unbuckling his belt and touching him again. What would he do then? The realization that he may stop me, that he might reject me, prevented me from making my move.

  Once the credits rolled, I climbed from my warm spot next to him on the couch and stood, stretching. “Should we go up to bed?”

  Knox stood up, watching me warily. “You’re sleeping over?”

  “Is that okay?” God, why was he acting so weird tonight?

  He hesitated, looking down at the floor.

  “Why are you acting like you don’t want me here?”

  He didn’t respond, he just continued staring down at the floor between our feet.

  “Knox?”

  “This is hard for me, being near you and knowing I can’t have you,” he admitted softly.

  I wanted to tell him he could have me, anytime, anyplace. I’d gotten brief glimpses of how good we could be together and I wanted more. “You have me,” I whispered.

  He crossed the room and pulled me into his arms. “I know. I’m sorry, angel. I have a lot on my mind and I don’t want to fuck this up with you. That’s all.”

  “Do you want me to go?” I looked up at him, blinking.

  “No. Stay. Please?”

  I nodded and let him guide me up the stairs.

  Once I’d brushed my teeth and changed into a T-shirt of Knox’s, I stood beside the bed, watching while he pulled his shirt off over his head and stripped out of his jeans. His body was a work of art, complete with sculpted lines and rugged muscles that I wanted to touch and lick. He evoked strange feelings inside me that no man had before. It was an almost animal attraction that brought out a new and viscerally sexual side of me.

  “Knox?”

  “Hmm?” He asked, folding his jeans and tossing them on top of his dresser.

  I found my courage and took a step closer, tugging on the hem of my borrowed T-shirt. “When we said we were gonna do this, a real relationship…to me that meant everything that came along with a relationship.” Several long moments ticked by while my heart beat thudded dully in my chest.

  “Say we do this thing for real – then what?” Frustrated, his hands tore through his hair, leaving it in a sexy disarray.

  “What do you mean? We agree to be there for each other, we both try.”

  “And if I fuck up? If I hurt you….” He stared blankly at the wall above my head. “I couldn’t…I wouldn’t chance that.” I knew there was more he wasn’t saying. I’d already been through too much with my parents. I was damaged and he wouldn’t be part of contributing to my hurt any more than he already had. I hated that I could never seem to escape my past, no matter how hard I worked.

  “Isn’t that for me to decide?”

  His eyes slid back to mine. “You believe in me way too much.”

  “Someone’s got to, Knox. I’ve seen the real you. The one you keep hidden from everyone else. You’re a good man, despite what you want me to believe.”

  “You refuse to see the bad in me.”

  “So tell me, then. What’s so bad about you?” I was edging into dangerous territory. We’d never really covered his background in detail and I wasn’t sure I could handle it, but I was putting on my bravest front to show him that I wouldn’t be scared off. Who cared if prickles of sweat were forming against the back of my neck and my knees felt shaky? It was a conversation that needed to happen.

  “You really want to hear the shit I’ve done?”

  Suddenly losing my nerve, my lips parted, but no sound came out.

  Knox took a step closer, his gaze hardening. “You want to hear that I fucked a mother and her eighteen-year-old daughter in the same day? That I broke up my buddy’s engagement when I accepted a blowjob from his fiancée? That because of this sick need inside me I’ve pushed every boundary, every limit? That I enjoy anal sex and the occasional ménage? Is that what you want to hear? You can’t handle me, angel. I can barely fucking handle me.”

  The air whooshed from my lungs, my confidence vanishing. For the first time I began to doubt him – us – my belief that this could work falling away like a veil in the wind. He would want things I couldn’t possibility give him.

  “Say something,” he ordered, taking a predatory step closer.

  “I get it, okay? You made your point. You’re experienced. I’m not.”

  “That wasn’t my point. Not at all.” He hung his head, looking down at the floor, his hands returning to his hair once again. “I’m sick, not a man worthy of you,” he whispered.

  My heart broke for him. He deserved love and acceptance even if he couldn’t see that. “The things you’ve done don’t scare me. I just worry I won’t measure up to your past.”

  He stepped closer, wrapping a hand around my hip to draw me nearer until we were just inches apart. It didn’t escape my notice that he was dressed in only a pair of black boxer briefs. “You have it backwards. My past doesn’t measure up to you.” His voice was whispery soft and his mouth was brushing against my ear, sending delicious little shivers racing down my spine. He pressed a tender kiss against the side of my neck and my head fell back, my body craving more. His warm tongue slid against my pulse point, which was fluttering wildly. “I can read your fear, your uncertainty. You’re not ready for this.”

  Finding my voice, I whispered, “So show me.”

  “You don’t know what you’re saying, what you’re agreeing to.”

  We’d spoken only briefly about his dominant nature, but that word hung in the air all around us, its hidden meaning permeating my every pore. Maybe I couldn’t handle his brand of physical affection. But what he’d shown me so far had been tender and intimate. Would sex with Knox really be so different? His tastes and desires were unknown to me, but most of me found that exciting. Nerves raced through my belly as he nipped at my neck. “If we do this, Knox…have a real relationship, you’d have to show me….” I breathed, finding my courage.

  He squeezed me tighter. “If we do this, you have to tell Brian about us.”

  I giggled. Such an alpha male thing to say, laying his claim to me and wanting it known by all. “Of course I will. But stop avoiding this conversation. ”

  “What conversation are we having, McKenna?” He sucked the skin at the base of my neck, pressing sweet kisses against my collarbone.

  “Sex,” I murmured.

  “You’re not ready yet,” he said. I pulled back and gave him a quizzical look. Was he serious right now? “I’ll know when you’re ready,” he continued. “You need to trust me.” His hands cupped my cheeks and he pressed a kiss to my forehead. I didn’t want to be treated like a china doll. I’d waited long enough for this moment in my life and I was sure.

  “And you need to trust me.” I might be damaged, but I was stronger than he was giving me credit for. I could handle this. Couldn’t I?

  He watched me with hooded eyes, taking stock of everything he saw – every emotion and stray thought racing through my brain. My entire body was alive and humming. It was as though he could see straight into me and read all my inner thoughts. It was the oddest sensation.

  “Tell me what you want to know,” he said, brushing the hair back from my face.

  My stomach was coiled tight and nervous energy shot through my veins. Something was about to happen. I’d pushed him and now I needed to be sure I really was rea
dy. “You seem so sure. And I don’t know what I’m doing. I just need to know that’s okay with you.”

  “That’s a turn on, trust me. I can be a little dominating in the bedroom.”

  Finally, we were discussing the elephant in the room. “A dominant? Like…you want a submissive?” My entire body was tingling. I had to know what I was signing up for.

  “Mmm, not exactly.” His large palm curled around the back of my neck, his thumb stroking the skin there. “I just like taking charge. Nothing extreme, I promise.”

  My belly tightened. “I’m not into pain, Knox.”

  “That’s not my thing at all, angel. You’d never have to worry about me hurting you.” His voice was sincere, and his warm honey eyes were loving and kind, but that didn’t stop the uncertainty raging inside me.

  “What do you want, then?”

  “Control. To show you pleasure.”

  His words sent a jab of lust straight between my thighs and I let out a whimper. Something about this man, his desire to bring me pleasure, lit me up from the inside out. If he had a trace of dominance, perhaps I had a trace of submissiveness.

  “You like that, don’t you, angel?” he asked. I nodded slowly, biting my lip as I gazed up at him. “Soon,” he promised. “My self-control is almost non-existent where you’re concerned.”

  “Everyone’s had you. But I can’t? How’s that fair?”

  “I’m giving you everything.”

  “By not giving me any?” I argued.

  “Stop, McKenna. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

  “I do, though, that’s the thing. I want this with you. And not this pseudo friend-zone you’ve placed me in. I want everything. I want to be loved, cherished, and made to feel like a woman, your woman, not your little sister.”

  “If you were my sister, I’d be put in jail for the things I want to do to you.”

  My heart stuttered. He did want the same things as me, I could see it in his eyes. “If I’m pushing you – if this is about your addiction, or because I’m your counselor….”