When I Surrender Read online

  After what seemed like close to an hour, her sobs finally quieted and I continued to hold her until the little rasping hiccups stopped, too. She moved from the spot where she’d burrowed in against my neck. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, and attempted to move back to her side of the bed.

  My arms closed around her, keeping her close. “Never apologize for that. I’m here. And I know what it feels like to lose your parents.”

  She nodded. “Thank you for listening and for holding me….”

  “Shh. No need to thank me.”

  “Knox?”

  “Yeah?”

  “This, us what does it mean?”

  “What do you want it to mean?”

  “More,” she admitted softly.

  I had no idea what more meant to her, but I could only assume it involved me fully opening myself up to this process. “I like you, McKenna. You have to know I’m not like this with anyone but you.”

  “I like you too, but this isn’t going to be like one of your other relationships.”

  “So what do we do?” I traced her cheek and watched her eyes. She would have to take the lead, because I was at a total fucking loss for how to have a real relationship.

  “I guess we see where this takes us.”

  “I’ve never had anything like this, how do you know I’m not going to mess it up?”

  “Because you’re a good man, Knox.”

  I pressed a kiss to her lips, surprising her. I hadn’t meant the kiss as anything sexual, just a comforting endearment to show her I cared. But McKenna lifted her lips to mine and kissed me back. Her mouth was warm and soft and a jolt of pleasure shot straight to my dick. Now was not the time to get hard. McKenna’s body was nestled in against mine, just the thin layer of her T-shirt and my gym shorts separating the heat of her body from mine. She tossed her top leg over my hip and pressed herself closer, no doubt feeling every hard inch of me. I wanted her, but not like this.

  McKenna craved physical touch, but in a much different way than I did. She was seeking something real – a connection, something permanent. I never thought I’d be the one to offer her those things, but seeing how brave she was, how open she was with her needs, made me question everything. I wanted to be what she needed. I just didn’t know how and was pretty certain I’d find a way to fuck it up. Hurting her was out of the question. She’d been through too much already.

  We kissed for several long minutes, our tongues moving together, her breathing becoming ragged, and her lower half pressing clumsily into mine as though she was seeking something.

  I hadn’t wanted to push things between us tonight, but hell, she’d just broken down and told me she felt responsible for her parents’ deaths. If there was ever a time she needed the distraction of pleasure, it was now. I knew that better than anyone.

  “Knox….” she breathed, pressing her hips to mine.

  I didn’t respond, my lips moving to her neck to taste her and breathe in her sweet scent. Her hands scrambled along my abs until they reached the waistband of my shorts. I caught her roaming hands and moved them away just before they dipped inside. We’d just agreed to take the first steps toward a relationship and I didn’t want her to think that had anything to do with sex. I wanted her, of course I did, but I wanted more, too.

  Sex wasn’t the way to show her how I felt about her. That meant nothing to me. But being near her kissing her, cooking for her, letting her sleep over in my bed. Those were the ways I told her how I felt about her. Only now as her fingers curled into my hair and her lips hovered above mine, I didn’t think she got that. She wanted the physical, too. And it was killing me. Literally killing me not to take her and push her knees apart and sink into her slowly.

  She let out a frustrated groan and rubbed her pelvis against mine. Even if I didn’t want her to feel pressured to go further than she wanted, I wouldn’t leave her in this state. Trailing my hand from her hip down to her pubic bone, my fingers brushed against her panties. The damp fabric clung to her skin. “Right here?” She whimpered softly. “Is this where you need me?” She pushed her hips closer, begging me silently. Lifting her panties aside, I pressed my fingertip against her firm little clit and she let out a ragged moan. Something told me I knew her body better than she did herself, and I liked hearing the responses I provoked from her. I liked knowing I was the one responsible for her pleasure. The one taking her over the edge. It did insane things to me. Even without touching me, she got me rock hard and aching. Half of me worried we should stop – we’d both been drinking – but none of me wanted to.

  Removing my hand from her panties, I pressed a kiss to her parted lips and met her eyes. “Angel?” Disappointment flooded her pretty eyes. “How drunk are you?” She’d only had one drink plus the shot I’d made her try, but still, something told me she was unaccustomed to drinking.

  She hesitated for a moment, blinking up at me. “Not drunk,” she breathed. “Don’t stop.” Her mouth crashed against mine in a hungry kiss and I was done questioning this.

  Restraint urged me to keep her panties on but I couldn’t help lifting the baggy T-shirt she wore and kissing all over her breasts. Using both hands, I pressed her tits together and placed damp sucking kisses all over the rounded flesh, using my tongue to lick each taut peak until she was restless and moaning out my name. She smelled lightly of soap and fresh washed laundry and tasted even better. I was desperate to taste her all over and feel her warm soft skin against mine.

  Creaking floorboards signaled that we weren’t alone just as I heard my name. “Knox?”

  I tossed the blankets over McKenna to cover her naked chest and jumped up. “Tucker? What’s wrong?”

  “My tummy hurts,” he groaned.

  “Okay, buddy. Come on.” I led him into the bathroom, my heart pounding out of control. As soon as the toilet was in view, Tucker lurched over it and got sick. I stayed with him in the bathroom, sitting on the tile floor, just in case he got sick again.

  A few minutes later, McKenna tapped on the bathroom door. I didn’t know if she’d wanted to hide the fact she was staying overnight, but she stuck her head inside the door to see if Tucker was okay. “You need anything? A glass of water, maybe?”

  I nodded. “Sure, that’d be great.”

  After a few minutes more, Tucker rinsed his mouth and crawled into my bed between me and McKenna. By that point it was nearly three in the morning and we were all exhausted. Tucker had insisted she stay and held her hand as he fell back asleep. I caught McKenna’s eyes as she lay on the far side of the bed, a sick little boy sprawled between us, and as I watched her in the dim light, she seemed to understand that this was my life. Her eyes on mine and the small smile on her lips was her silent acknowledgement that she accepted each part. From my broken past to my responsibilities with my brothers. McKenna’s constant presence here showed me that she could handle not only the fucked up side of me, but also my role as a brother and a parent. It was a huge feeling of relief. Realizing I wasn’t alone for the first time in a long time, I feel into a peaceful sleep.

  Chapter Six

  McKenna

  I had sent a quick text to Brian to let him know I wouldn’t be home last night. And to my surprise, he hadn’t replied. My phone had stayed eerily silent all night. A sinking feeling formed in the pit of my stomach.

  After getting Tucker settled in his own bed with some dry toast and soda, Knox and I ventured to the kitchen where Knox set a pot of coffee to brew. I was working at the teen shelter today, but didn’t go in until mid-morning, and Knox, with a sick little boy home from school today, was taking the day off to look after him.

  Sitting down at the breakfast table, I watched him work. He seemed completely at ease in the kitchen, and for a guy as big and strong as Knox, it was a bit of an anomaly. One I very much liked. His domestic nature, despite being a rugged bad-boy, was just another thing I loved about him.

  Luke and Jaxon entered the kitchen and gave me only a brief strange look when they saw me and rea
lized that I must have spent the night. “Hey, McKenna.” Luke smiled.

  “Hey, Luke.”

  Jaxon grabbed an apple from the kitchen counter and began slicing it into chunks while simultaneously sizing me up.

  “Fuck!” he cursed, dropping the knife and holding his finger up to inspect.

  I jumped from my seat and crossed the room to where Jaxon stood. “Did you cut yourself?”

  He shrugged, turning on the faucet to rinse his hand under cool water. “It’s nothing.”

  “At least let me have a look.” I took his hand, all but forcing him to let me see. These boys were so brave, so independent, that they didn’t want to have to rely on anyone for anything. They’d been hurt so badly losing their parents. They were afraid to need anyone. The slice through the pad of his index finger wasn’t deep, but was bleeding pretty steadily. “I think I can bandage this up pretty quick, it doesn’t look too bad.”

  “Nah, I’m okay. Luke, hit me with that paper towel.”

  “Man-daid?” Luke asked, tossing a roll of paper towel across the kitchen to Jaxon.

  Jaxon nodded and began wrapping several sheets around his bloodied finger.

  “Man-daid?” I asked, watching their exchange.

  “Yeah, like a Band-Aid, but for real men. Paper towel and duct tape.” Luke smiled, tossing Jaxon a roll of duct tape from a nearby drawer.

  Jaxon used the tape to secure the paper towel in place. “See?” He held up the digit. “All good.”

  I shook my head, giggling at their inventiveness. “What about your breakfast?” I asked, looking over at the discarded chunks of apple on the counter.

  Jaxon shrugged. “I’ll grab something later.”

  “Have a good day at school, boys.”

  Knox met me in the kitchen where I was tidying up after the boys.

  He scooped me up in his arms, wrapping me tightly in a hug. “You don’t have to do that.”

  “It’s not a problem.” I liked helping, feeling useful like this.

  “About last night.” His hand closed over mine, stopping me from wiping down the counter so I met his eyes. “Thank you for telling me about your parents.”

  I nodded. I hadn’t wanted to tell him – not because I was set on keeping my past hidden, no, he’d been too open with me to do that. But because I knew he’d look at me differently once he knew. I’d seen it before – once people found out, their looks changed to ones of pity, of sadness. I couldn’t stand the thought of Knox looking at me like that. But instead he’d just pulled me close and let me cry big soggy tears that rolled down my cheeks and stained his T-shirt. It had been exactly what I needed.

  “Let me check on Tucker one more time and then I’ll drive you home.”

  “Okay.” I followed him up the stairs, wanting to say goodbye to Tucker myself.

  We found him curled on his side, the trash can Knox had set next to his bed thankfully still empty.

  “How ya feeling, buddy?” Knox sat down on the edge of his bed, handing him a stuffed teddy bear that had fallen to the floor.

  Tucker wrapped his arms around the bear and closed his eyes. “The same. Tummy still hurts.”

  Knox pulled the blankets up higher around Tucker’s shoulders. “I’ve got to take McKenna home and then I’ll be right back. You need me to get you anything before we go?”

  Tucker’s eyes latched onto mine. He was like a mini-version of Knox, and even at eight years old, it was easy to see that he’d grow into a very handsome man, just like his older brothers. Seeing them together made my chest feel tight. Knox was so sweet, so gentle, and watching him care for his brother was the most wonderful sight. He was beautiful to me in that moment. It took me a second to realize Tucker was asking about me.

  “Why does McKenna have to leave?” he asked, his features painted in confusion.

  “She has to go to work today,” Knox explained.

  “But you don’t, right?”

  Knox shook his head. “I took the day off. I’m staying home with you today. We can watch a movie later if you want.”

  I bent down and placed my hand on Tucker’s forehead, checking for a temperature. He didn’t seem overly warm. “I promise I’ll come back and check on you. Feel better, okay?”

  He nodded, fixing on a brave face. “Bye, Kenna.”

  “Nikki’s going to come over while I’m gone. Just in case, all right, buddy?”

  Tucker nodded bravely.

  Knox led the way downstairs and we dressed ourselves in coats and shoes, waiting by the front door for his neighbor Nikki.

  Knox leaned closer, tucking stray strands of hair behind my ears. “I’m sorry we got interrupted last night. Maybe we can finish our conversation tonight?”

  I wondered which part he was sorry got interrupted – our intimate moment or the conversation about my parents? I merely nodded my agreement. Moments later, his young neighbor Nikki let herself in the front door, her baby daughter Bailee balanced on her hip. The baby looked just like her mom – both were pretty with blonde ringlets and big blue eyes. I wasn’t sure why, but I hadn’t realized his neighbor was gorgeous. She eyed me carefully while Knox took the baby so she could remove her jacket.

  “Hi. I’m Nikki.” She offered me her hand.

  “McKenna. It’s nice to meet you. Your daughter’s beautiful.”

  She took the little girl back from Knox. “Thanks.”

  I could tell there was something she didn’t like about seeing me here with Knox. She probably wasn’t used to seeing women here in his home, especially in the morning hours, and I briefly wondered if they’d ever had a fling.

  “Tucker’s upstairs in bed,” Knox said. “I’d just stay down here if I were you. Keep both of you away from the germs.”

  Nikki nodded. “I will.”

  She crossed the room, sat Bailee down on the rug in the living room, and dumped a nearby basket of toys out in front of her, then planted herself on the couch with the TV remote. The twinge of jealously brewing inside me was unexpected. I knew Knox’s past and worked hard to not let it get to me, but something about seeing this girl in his home, somewhere she was obviously quite comfortable, set me off. I pushed it from my mind as Knox led the way out to his Jeep.

  ---

  The flu progressed from Tucker to Luke to Jaxon and I feared Knox was next, despite his insistence that he felt fine. He’d been taking care of everyone all week; surely he’d exposed himself to the sickness. I knew I was supposed to hang out with Brian that weekend, but Knox hadn’t sounded well on the phone, so I’d put my date with Brian off, promising to make it up to him, and decided to go over and check on the guys once more.

  The house was quiet. Too quiet. I suspected the boys were home, but they were either napping or doing quiet activities in their rooms. I climbed the stairs to the third floor and lightly tapped on Knox’s bedroom door. Not waiting for an answer, I pushed the door open and stepped inside. The blinds were drawn, and the room was quiet, cool and dim. Knox was stretched out across his bed, his big frame limp against the mattress. I didn’t even have to ask him if he was sick. It was obvious.

  “You shouldn’t be here,” he said, sitting up in bed once he saw me. He looked miserable, and I’d guess it was a combination of a few things – lack of sleep being the main contributor. He lifted to his elbow to watch me cross the room. The sheets were strewn haphazardly around him and he was in a pair of loose-fitting gray knit pants and a white T-shirt. His feet were bare and his hair stuck up in several directions. “We’re going to get you sick.”

  “Hush.” I sat down beside him and brushed his hair back off his forehead. He felt warm and his cheeks were flushed. I might be in a house filled with germs, but that wasn’t even hitting my radar. “I’m here and I’m staying. You can’t do all this on your own, despite thinking you’re Superman.”

  He chuckled, dryly, his throat obviously raw. “I don’t think that.”

  I met his eyes. “You act like it sometimes. Working hard, raising your bro
thers, trying to right your wrongs. You’re pretty amazing, you know that?” Something about seeing him this sick and miserable made me all sentimental.

  “You think that, but it’s not true,” he said. I didn’t argue, didn’t want him to waste his energy debating his point. I knew he was amazing, despite what he thought. I just continued softly brushing back his hair, gazing down at him with reverence. “You’ve always thought that, haven’t you?” he continued. “You always believed in me. Even before I believed in myself.”

  Of course I did. I was a counselor; I believed people could change, right down to my very being. I had to believe it. It needed to be true if I was ever going to be good enough to outdo the wrong that caused me to lose my parents. Or maybe I just wanted to believe that Knox could change because I’d felt such a pull to him right from the beginning. I’d wanted a little piece of this troubled man, even though it scared me. I needed him to be okay. So did his brothers. “Just rest. I’m going to go clean up a bit and run to the grocery store.”

  He smiled weakly up at me. “Thank you. There’s some money in my top drawer.” He looked over at his dresser in the corner.

  He worked hard for his money, but I knew he wasn’t any better off than me. If I could help out a little, I would. And there was enough in my bank account this week. I could afford bread and milk and basics for the boys. “Anything in particular sound good?”

  He made a grimace, like food sounded awful. “Maybe just some soda.”

  “You got it.” And perhaps some chicken noodle soup for once they all started feeling better. It was just what my mom would have made if I were sick. I’d get a big pot bubbling on the stove just in case. Fill the house with that yummy aroma in the hopes that would lift their spirits.