Hard to Love Read online

Page 2

 

  I wasn’t about to fuck some girl who was terrified of me. Sorry, not a turn-on. Rick had assumed it was a performance issue, and stupidly I’d accepted the pills from him rather than explaining why I didn’t want to go through with it. Eventually I had to man up and explain the situation to him, but not before the damage was done.

  “So, you’re a porn star?” Alexa asked, her eyes flicking up to mine briefly before darting away again.

  She was as nervous as a field mouse in a stampede. “Does that bother you?” I bluffed. She didn’t need to know that this was my first ever film and I hadn’t even followed through. Besides, she’d already judged me. No sense in trying to defend my honor.

  Her eyes met mine again and held. “No. ” Her voice sounded sure, but I couldn’t help noticing the blush creeping up her neck to color her cheeks. I wouldn’t be all that surprised to learn she was a virgin, with how self-conscious and unsure of herself she was. All the more reason to stay the hell away from her.

  Watching her work, her small hands moving about to care for me stirred something inside. It’d been a long time since someone had taken care of me.

  The doctor strode into the room—male, late-forties, and strait-laced, which put me at ease.

  After covering the basics—that I’d taken two of little blue pills even though only one was recommended and yes, I’d been fully erect going on four and half hours now—the doctor, thankfully, got right down to business, opening my robe. The swollen appendage jutted out in front of me, proudly saluting the doctor and Alexa.

  “There he is!” Rick beamed proudly. This dude was twisted. Why the hell was he so interested in my cock? Sure it was above average, I knew that much. After Rick had approached me about starring in one of his movies, I’d looked up the statistics online and measured myself, just out of curiosity. It was much larger than average according to what I’d read online. But still, his interest was creepy. I reminded myself that he dealt with the human body all day long and that he was just thinking about the money I could make him when he looked at it, but that didn’t mean I liked another man eyeing my dick with such enthusiasm.

  My eyes flicked up to watch Alexa’s expression. Bad fucking idea. Her mouth had dropped open, and her chest was heaving with shallow breaths. I practically felt her gaze caressing me.

  “Is he family?” the doctor asked, gingerly inspecting me.

  “Nope. ”

  The doctor tipped his head to the door, motioning to Rick. “Would you mind stepping out of the room, sir?”

  “Sure thing, Doc. ” Rick nodded. “I’m out of here just as soon as you tell me there’ll be no permanent damage to the money maker. ”

  The doctor looked up at him, not amused. “He’ll live. Now please go. ”

  Apparently satisfied by the doctor’s answer, Rick gave me a wink, patted my shoulder and exited the room.

  “So how exactly do you treat this?” I was almost afraid to ask.

  Alexa’s eyes shifted to the floor, like she knew I wasn’t going to like the answer. Not good.

  “I’m going to give you a dose of medicine—a combination of a steroid and a muscle relaxant to see if that will return things to normal. You’ll take these orally and we’ll wait about thirty minutes. If that doesn’t work, I may have to insert a thin needle into the shaft and extract blood manually. ” The doctor made a few notes in my file and left the room.

  I swallowed down a lump in my throat. The fucking pills had to work. I wouldn’t be able to handle him bringing a needle anywhere near my dick without punching the poor guy in the face.

  Alexa returned a few minutes later with a tiny plastic cup containing two pills and a cup of water for me. I downed the pills and water in a single gulp. Once again, she arranged the ice pack on my lap, her hand brushing against my dick, which made it jump. I saw her bite her lip to avoid smiling.

  “Thanks,” I muttered, passing the cup back to her.

  “You’re welcome. Sit tight and I’ll be back to check your progress in a little while. ”

  I’d never been so happy to go soft in my entire life, but twenty minutes later my erection slackened and I hopped down from the exam table and began dressing. Just as I was pulling on my jeans, Alexa came back to check on me.

  The look of surprise on her face stopped me short.

  “I think I’m good to go,” I explained.

  Her eyes travelled down the length of my body, stopping once they reached the no-longer-straining bulge in my jeans. “Oh. ”

  “Thanks for everything. ” I grabbed my jacket from the chair, and started past her. Her hands darted out and pressed against my chest. “You can’t just leave. Dr. Chancellor wanted to um…talk with you, about your, um, lifestyle. And see if we could offer STD testing. ”

  I laughed. “Thanks anyway, but I’m good. ” I barely had time to date, let alone have sex, but when I did I always used a condom. Not to mention that Rick insisted I get tested as an agreement to work for him. All I wanted to do now was get home, check on Lily, and forget this whole night ever happened. “Okay. Be safe,” she said, and stepped out of the way as I fled past her, ready to put the whole experience behind me.

  Chapter 2

  Alexa

  When I woke and fumbled for my cell phone to check the time, I was shocked to discover it was already four in the afternoon. I stretched and flung back my duvet, sighing because despite the late hour, my body was so not ready to leave my heavenly soft pillowtop.

  Working the midnight shift was wreaking havoc with my system. Each night I worked the late shift, I woke later and later in the afternoon. At least I had tonight off—it was my twenty-first birthday, and I was going out with friends later. I could only imagine what MacKenzie had planned. That girl, though I considered her my best friend in nursing school, was trouble with a capital T.

  I sat down at my vanity and brushed out my hair. The bags under my eyes needed attention too, so I dotted on some eye cream before securing my hair back in a ponytail.

  My parents didn’t understand why I worked so hard. Money certainly wasn’t the motivator—my family had more than we’d ever spend in a lifetime—but I wanted something more for myself. Something I was good at and kept me busy. Their only goal for me was to meet a wealthy, well-bred man and become some sort of Stepford Wife, a desire we did not share. A life like that sounded incredibly boring to me. And if my mother’s afternoon combination of happy pills and wine-spritzers were any indication, it was a life spent unfulfilled. No thanks.

  Once in the kitchen, I slid a coffee pod into the one-cup maker, the most used appliance in my kitchen since I rarely bothered to cook for one. I couldn’t help but think back to the previous night, or more specifically, about Cade. Well, I was actually thinking of a certain part of his anatomy more than I was anything else, and giggled to myself. I’d seen a lot of strange things working the midnight shift in the emergency room, but that was one of the more memorable.

  He was undeniably attractive, and that was even before I saw the python he was packing in his pants. He was tall and ridiculously toned from head to toe, with a rugged face and strong jaw line. His nose had a slight ridge that indicated it had probably been broken at some point, and those rich chocolate eyes of his had been surrounded by thick, dark lashes.

  He’d had the strangest effect on me. I’d never been attracted to a patient. Ever. It was my job, and I rarely noticed details about the actual person. That statement sounded harsh, but I saw the people who came in and out of the hospital as clinical objects. I only noticed the details I needed to do my job—like where there best vein line was to start an IV or draw blood, or calculating meds based on weight—standard things like that. But with him, I couldn’t focus on what I needed to. Instead, I noticed how his dark eyes followed my every movement, the thickness of the vein running up the length of his shaft, and the tension in his body at his obvious discomfort. I also noticed the tattoo peeking out from the collar
of his T-shirt as if crawling up his neck. I wanted to see the rest of it, even if the mere thought of that made my tummy erupt in nerves. And I knew he could tell how frazzled I was with that annoying amused smirk tugging at his lips.

  *****

  When the doorbell chimed, I jogged to the intercom panel to buzz in MacKenzie and Tyson. I opened my apartment door and found MacKenzie marching up the stairs, a brown paper sack filled with liquor bottles in one hand and a plastic container in the other. Tyson was carrying a bouquet of pink roses. Tyson was like a brother to me, but I wasn’t sure we were always on the same page.

  I’d made Kenzie promise me no big party, just the three of us going out and enjoying a few cocktails, and so far it appeared she’d kept her end of the bargain.

  “Our baby girl’s growing up, Ty!” MacKenzie squealed and pulled me in for a hug. I patted her back and pulled away for some personal space. I wasn’t the best hugger in the world. Tyson laughed and navigated around us, entering my apartment. He knew better than to try and hug me after I went completely stiff in his arms the one and only time he’d attempted it.

  “Thanks for the roses,” I called to his back as he made his way into my kitchen to fetch a vase. He’d spent enough time in my apartment to know where everything was. Heck, I think he knew my apartment better than I did. Once I called him to ask how to clean my hair out of the clogged shower drain and he informed me I had a bottle of drain cleaner under the sink in the kitchen. He was good to me, and so was MacKenzie. She often forced me out of my shell, which, however painful at times, was good for me too.

  MacKenzie took over the kitchen island, extracting various bottles of alcohol and mixers from her bag. Ty got the glasses and filled them with ice, while I stood and watched.

  “What’s in here?” I poked at the lid of the shallow plastic pan, expecting it to hold a cake.

  “Jell-O shots,” MacKenzie answered, smiling. “Try one. ”

  I pulled off the lid and set it aside. The pan was filled with small plastic shot glasses that contained a rainbow of jellied concoctions. They certainly looked inviting. I selected a green one and tipped it up to my mouth, but the gelatinous mass remained firmly planted inside the cup.

  MacKenzie laughed and glanced at Tyson. “Teach her how, Ty. I forgot we had a Jell-O-shot virgin on our hands. ” She measured two shots of clear liquor and dumped them over a glass full of ice, mixing the drink like it was second nature.

  Ty smiled and rounded the island to stand next to me. “Stick out your tongue. ”

  I narrowed my eyes at him.

  He chuckled. “Just do it. ”

  I complied and he brought the cup to my mouth, showing me how to swirl my tongue around the edge of it to loosen the Jell-O until it slipped out of the cup and into my mouth.

  “Mmm. Green Apple?” I asked.

  Ty wiped away a smear of Jell-O from my bottom lip and licked it from his finger.

  MacKenzie nodded. “Yep. And here’s your birthday drink. ”

  It was pink and bubbly. I took a sip and found it surprisingly refreshing. You could hardly taste the vodka shots I’d seen her dump in. It was grapefruity and delish. “Thanks. ”

  Once we all had drinks, courtesy of MacKenzie, Ty grabbed the pan of Jell-O shots and we made our way into the living room to sit in the center of my cream-colored shaggy rug.

  “We need music. ” MacKenzie opened my laptop and my heart nearly stopped. I leapt from my seat in an effort to stop her from seeing what she was about to see, but I was too late.

  “Holy shit!”

  My cheeks flamed as I remembered what I’d last used the computer for—I’d typed in the address for the porn website from the business card when I got home and searched until I found Cade’s pictures.

  “What is it?” Ty asked, peeking around MacKenzie’s His face scrunched in disgust. “Gah!” He jumped back from the computer like he’d just been stung.

  “You look at porn, Alexa?” The surprise in MacKenzie’s voice was unmistakable. “I’m not judging, not at all, proud is more like it—I’m just surprised. You’ve always seemed sort of innocent. ”

  I swallowed and grabbed the laptop from her lap, pulling it onto my own. “It’s not what you think. ” I opened my music library and started my playlist of indie-rock, then set the computer aside.

  MacKenzie laughed, throwing her head back. “Sorry, sweetheart, but that’s gonna require an explanation. I mean, you’ve never taken a Jell-O shot, you were raised by the Waltons, your freaking panty-drawer is organized by color and day of the week. Spill it, babe. ”

  Tyson glanced up from his drink. “You’ve got day-of-the-week underwear? Oh, I’ve gotta see this. ” He stood and wandered down the hall into my bedroom MacKenzie and I jumped to our feet to follow.

  “Ty!” I called. “Get out of there!”

  He chuckled and pulled open the top drawer of my hand-carved, pale-pink dresser. “Holy shit, you weren’t kidding, Kenz. ” He lifted a pair of white cotton briefs from the top of the pile and held them up to inspect. “Sunday,” he read the backside, chuckling.

  I snatched them from his grasp, tossed them back in the drawer and slammed it shut with my hip. “Enough. Out. ” I shooed them from my bedroom. Yes, I bought the packaged cotton undies. They were comfy. Sue me. MacKenzie stood her ground, blocking the door to my bedroom. “Only if you tell us the story of you looking at porn. I bet you don’t even own a sex toy do you?”

  “I’ll tell you. ” I navigated my way around her out into the hallway. But I was so not answering the sex-toy question. Even if Ty was like a brother to us, he was still male, and I wasn’t about to admit that I had a vibrator tucked in the back of my underwear drawer. God, I would have been mortified if they’d found that.